On Monogamy and Polyamory

Monogamy is such an ingrained part of our culture these days. One partner to each person, right? But what if that just doesn’t work for you? Let me explain. I can be very attached to someone, even love them, and after awhile my eye still roves. It doesn’t mean I want my original partner any less, but instead that I want a taste of something new. And as a bisexual, should I be monogamous, I am denying half of my sexual identity. Call me greedy if you like, but a little extra-monogamous activity might just keep most relationships healthy for a lot longer. I do want to get married, to have a husband or wife, kids, a house. But my having a husband, by today’s standards precludes my having a girlfriend. Or does it? Polyamory is my solution.

What is polyamory? It is when each partner in a relationship has other partners and relationships. You have your primary relationship (we’ll use husband or wife for this essay), and then you each have a secondary relationship. An approved boyfriend or girlfriend, so to speak. This secondary relationship is not something to invoke lightly however. It is just as serious a relationship as your primary one, except that your primary partner should have some primacy over your secondary partner. It does, however, give you extra emotional space. You have a second person to cuddle with, complain to, go to the movies with, etc. When your primary is deep in finals, that major account, or what have you, they get the space they need and you still get the attention you need.

What isn’t polyamory? It is not a cheap excuse to sleep around on your partner. It isn’t something that your partner should be unaware of. If you have a secondary relationship that your partner is unaware of, you are cheating. It is also not an easy way to be promiscuous. You don’t get to fuck everything that moves, plus your partner, and call it polyamory. It is a serious second relationship. In other words, you are not only doubling your joy, you are doubling your potential headaches.

How does it work? Generally, you and your primary partner must agree that this is something you both want and intend to participate it. It rarely works when one partner is practicing poly and the other is staying home and not being involved, although I do know of one case where it is working, due to the exceptional individuals involved. You each agree that it is something you want and are very clear about what you expect to retain as rights of the primary. For example, should the primary have an exceptionally bad day (we’re talking ‘I got fired, my car was towed and my cat died’ bad day) they can invoke their status to have the other primary over, even on a day that “belongs” to the secondary. However, each partner must respect the rights of the secondary. In other words JEALOUSY DOESN’T HAVE A PLACE IN POLYAMORY. I can’t stress that enough.

What happens when a partner is jealous? Allow me to give an example from my own life. I was involved in a very entangled poly relationship. The Primary Couple was comprised of Mike and Jane, and I was Mike’s secondary. To make things more interesting, my roommate Nick was Jane’s secondary. There was no stress between myself and my roommate. However, one weekend, the four of us and another one of Mike’s secondary girlfriends, Jill, all went out to an event. Now, Jane and Nick wanted some time alone. Although Mike had two other girlfriends present to give him attention and to give attention to, he got very jealous and (in my opinion) acted like a spoiled toddler for the rest of the day, causing everyone else to be uncomfortable. Shortly afterwards, both myself and my roommate ended our relationships with Jill and Mike for our own reasons. When a partner is jealous, it affects everyone, and it is destined to failure.

This is not to say that some modicum of jealousy isn’t normal. Every once and awhile it’s normal to get a little cranky and want the other person to yourself and only yourself. However, I find that the occasional bout of jealousy or discomfort is more than balanced by the presence of your secondary partner. The secondary partner keeps you faithful in a rather odd way. Because you are splitting your week between yourself, two partners and your friends, you rarely have time to get bored with anyone, or want something new and different.

What happens if you fall for your secondary partner? Well, on one hand you should be in love with both your partners. It is normal to go through a period of only wanting to be with your secondary partner. The honeymoon period of every relationship is like that. I advise you to wait it out, and really think about what not having your primary relationship would mean. How would it affect your life? And, quite frankly, does your secondary partner really want the responsibility of being your primary or only partner? Many people, myself included, are quite happy as the secondary partner of two or three people. I have a busy life and I don’t want or need the type of entanglements that come of being a primary partner.

Do you eventually go monogamous? That is a question that is answered very differently by every person. I’ve met people who go cold turkey into monogamy when marriage comes into play, and had it work for them. For others, it ends in divorce. And for others, they go back to their poly ways soon after the vows, if they ever stopped. Other people merely dabble in the poly lifestyle and then choose to leave it, discovering that they don’t have the right temperament for it, or the right partner(s) for it.

Then there are those like myself. In part, I would like a solid, monogamous marriage. That’s the idealistic aspect of myself speaking. In reality, I’m not certain I could carry out my part of that particular bargain. I’m not certain where that leaves me on the poly scale. Am I a lifetime practicing poly? Right now I’m not even dating, so just one person sounds nice right now. But from experience I do worry that after a month or so, I’m going to get a little itchy and start wondering what another he or she might be like in bed. In other words, I’m completely on the fence on this one. And what I think would work in theory may not actually work in reality.

The one thing I do know for certain is that our outdated concepts of what constitutes a healthy relationship or what even constitutes marriage are obsolete and must be changed. With each generation since the turn of the last century there have been loosening of rules, changes in dating etiquette, and major changes in what constitutes a family. However, what constitutes a marriage has not undergone these radical changes. A monogamous couple is still the integral part of the definition of marriage. And until that changes, I can’t help but see the divorce and failed relationship rates continue to climb.